Can People Change...?

Can people change? If there was ever a million dollar question, this is the one. It’s been asked time and time again for as long as there has been a social aspect among human beings. But how close are we to having a definitive answer? Is there any solid proof that people are capable of such a large undertaking? As far as I can tell, we are no closer to knowing the truth about change than we are to knowing the reality of our existence. Seriously, human nature is a profoundly deep subject matter that often leaves us empty-handed and wondering.

And recently I’ve been doing just that – a lot of wondering, or maybe pondering is a better word, over the topic of change. I’m not a psychologist or an MD, but I have spent an inordinate amount of time over the years observing people. If you have never sat and just casually examined people before, I highly recommend it. It’s absolutely fascinating to watch the human race interact. From my observations, I have come up with a theory. I believe that once a person has developed certain passions or behavioral traits, they are absolutely unable to change. There is no grey area or shadow of a doubt…just an inability to fully remove the basic building blocks that make each one of us unique. Remember the old saying “You can take the girl out of the city, but you can’t take the city out of the girl?” Or what about, “Boys will be boys…” You get the idea.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) hit the nail on the head. They don’t boast about helping people change. Their protocol is that once an alcoholic has been sober for a period of time, they are considered a recovering alcoholic. But true to their nature, they stand behind the ‘once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic’ philosophy. According to AA, there is no way to make a ‘normal’ drinker out of an alcoholic. Nor is there any way to make a non-alcoholic into an alcoholic. Imagine. The best minds in the world have whittled away at the concept of change for centuries, but it took a little non-profit to figure it out.

At this point, you must be thinking that I have little faith in humanity. And that’s okay. But let me explain why I believe that change is an impossible feat for common man. It all starts with the very definition of the word ‘change’, which is to ‘become different in essence; losing one's or its original nature’. It’s kind of like when the Coca-Cola Company launched their New Coke brand back in 1984, insisting that they had changed the formula of the drink to better appeal to consumers. We all know that it had nothing to do with pleasing people and other than a public backlash, what really changed? New Coke still looked like the original Coke, tasted virtually the same as the original drink and exhibited the same Coca-Cola corporate image. So, again what changed? The truth is, not much. It was still Coca-Cola.

You see, people may want to change or they think that they have changed. But somewhere deep inside they are still left with these minuscule pieces of who they were before the so-called transformation. What I believe to be the truth is that people can adapt or mold themselves to a particular situation or a time in their lives. They can also have a change of heart or change their opinion or outlook on something. We are all entitled to our opinion, right? Well, as human beings, we are also entitled to change that opinion at anytime, day or night without warning. Women do this best, but that’s another story for another time.

Religion is often unwillingly dragged into the debate, but since I consider myself to be a self-proclaimed ‘believer in only those things that can be proven through science’ (And no, I am not a Tom Cruise crony.), I fail to see how religion plays any part at all. Other than Coca-Cola, change is for inanimate objects; not creatures that live and breathe life and hold onto memories. Therefore, religion should remain independent of change; because what it boils down to is adaptation and perception.

People can adapt to certain situations and their perception of others can change. But when all is said and done, people cannot change the very essence of who they are. There will always be temptation, and there will always be the inner knowledge of past experiences and actions, which prey on the ability to change. That’s why people rely on the alternatives, adaptation and perception, without even realizing that they are doing so.

Here are two examples. The first is your classic habitual liar. Despite endless attempts to tell the truth, this type of individual will always be tempted to lie and will at some point succumb to deceit again. For them, it’s the easier and more familiar path to take. The second example is the unfaithful spouse who makes an eternal promise to stop cheating. Given the right opportunity and presented with the right person, they may one day find that they are attracted again - physically or emotionally – to someone other than their wife or husband. Both personas are unable to change based on past experiences or behaviors. What they do is adapt to circumstances, whether it is an ultimatum given to a spouse who commits infidelity or a parent’s threat in the case of a teenager who lies continuously. Hostility and doubt are being cast at them from all directions. In response, they may take on a quieter tone, become eager to please or want to constantly interact with the individual that they have disappointed. In turn, this may or may not change the other person’s perception of them.

Confusing, but it does make sense. Change is inevitable and ever-present. But if you are convinced that you can change a person or that a person will change for you, think again. It’s not going to happen anytime soon. My best advice. Do your homework before becoming seriously involved with or marrying someone, hiring someone, engaging into a friendship with someone and so on. I said I would never do this, but I have to give props to Forest Gump. He said it best. “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get.” Just make sure that when you unwrap it, you don’t want to change it.